you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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