i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
