I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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