So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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