We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I wish they made helmets for livers.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
