so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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