I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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