Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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