And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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