Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
