I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
