cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
