now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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