Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
