i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
