Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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