there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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