Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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