YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
