you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
