this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
