My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
