Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
