So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
