I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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