I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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