Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I cut my penus on the lid.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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