my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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