Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
