sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
