Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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