I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
