plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
