No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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