I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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