nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
