Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
