That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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