I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
