idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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