i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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