Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
