If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
