ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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