I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
