yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
