So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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