Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
