Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
