I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i out mim tonsoeep
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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