I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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