We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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